| 15 August 2006
I've been in a bit of a rut over the last couple weeks, but everything is on the up and up now. I've taken to entertain myself in order to pass the time, and one of the methods is pushing things as far as I possibly can. It never ceases to amaze me how much I can get away with when I arch an eyebrow and toss out a smirk. Or just staring into space with a blank look on my face...So today, I give you some of my favorite questions and comments from guests along with my usual replies.
Is this real gold?
- It's 80% 18 karat gold and 20% dirt. (This doesn't even phase them...)
Will it turn black?
- No - green, and I don't recommend you wear it until you leave the ship.
Is this $29.99 watch swiss-made?
- Seriously?
(As two customers walked past me) This $10 watch is a piece of shit.
-(Actually, I didn't even have a quip for that one, it couldn't be topped.)
(As I knelt down to measure her ankle) Boy, I sure do love a man kneeling down in front of me.
- What a coincidence - I sure do love speaking to a vagina.
How long do you think is enough for me?
- Well I can give you 6 inches right now if you'd like.
I'd like this in a 9 inch.
- Really? You're quite petite - do you think you can accommodate that?
Do you put a clasp on it?
- No, but I'll leave enough slack for you to tie it in a knot.
Do you live on the ship?
- No, we are flown in every morning by helicopter. (Often replied to with "Yeah, I did see the helipad out front!")
Are you one of the dancers?
- Yes, but I personally don't find that satisfying enough, so from time to time I sell t-shirts to fill the emptiness I feel inside...
Finally, another American - someone who can talk English.
- Really? On staff? Where? We don't see many of those in Canada.
(When I over hear someone complaining about the staff being from European countries.) Buffet?
I just stare at them with a confused look on my face.
"BUFFET?" "FOOD?" "FREE FOOD?"
I continue to look stunned and hold up an XXXL t-shirt.
"No, I want to EAT!"
- Oh, the BUFFET! I'm sorry, I was thinking in Spanish. Gotcha. Yes, that's on deck 11, on the opposite side of the ship as the gym.